Friday, September 25, 2009


Well, no matter what your path in life, or what tasks you choose to accomplish, or what goals you set for yourself, I think it's safe to say that everyone goes thru a period of self-doubt and questioning. It's normal, and a natural part of life.

This industry is new to me - and extremely competitive! Over the past month, I've had a lot of doubts about myself and started to think that I'm wasting my time with this modeling thing. Looking at the girls who are really making it in the business made me realize that I'm not like them. I've got that "girl next door" look - and I'm proud of that - but it makes it more difficult to find modeling gigs because I'm not exotic, and I'm not tall, and I don't have gigantic boobs.

Also, I've got some morals and boundaries. Since I'm not willing to do nude photos or any naked concepts, that really narrows down the number of gigs that are available to me. Throw in a full-time job from Monday to Friday, and that limits my availability to even go to shoots or events. And one day, I saw another girl's modeling photos and they were 2 steps away from pornography... I was disgusted. Then I wondered if any of my photos could be interpreted in that way, which is something I do not want. I've really tried to maintain a classy look because I'm not a whore and I don't want to be considered one. But would the average person looking at my portfolio images think poorly of me? I really hope not - that's not a label that I want or deserve.

In addition to this, the agency I've signed with hasn't found me any work. I want to believe that it's because of my schedule or that I haven't shot with her photographer yet, but I couldn't help but notice that she's been promoting girls who only have candid photos in her Agency Album. This album has no pictures of me - which made me think my photos aren't good enough, or my modeling isn't good enough, and that I'm wasting my time with this hobby and this industry. Let's face facts - I haven't gotten paid for one single event or photoshoot I've done. Not one. I don't even know if I'm good enough to ask to be paid for my time... To top everything off, a guy that I really care for used my modeling as an excuse for him to back off. My confidence in this endeavor was already wavering, and this just made me want to give it up for good. If it came down to choosing between someone who means a great deal to me, and a hobby that's already got me questioning my commitment, then I'd choose that person in a heartbeat - but sadly, that was not the case at all.

With all these doubts, I quit looking for work. I turned down a magazine shoot and 2 photographers (none of which would have paid). I deleted my modeling page from facebook. What's the point, right? Even though I know that people don't blow up in any industry over night, I really don't see myself ever being able to really make a name for myself, or at the very least get paid for a gig... I was doubting myself and my intentions with this endeavor.

One thing about this industry: if you don't believe in yourself, you damn sure won't go far at all. And lately, I don't know if I believe in me... But at the same time, I do not want to look back on my life when I'm 70 and regret not exploring an avenue that presented itself to me.

At this point, I'm uncertain and doubtful. Modeling has never been a passion of mine, and at times it seems pointless to pursue it. But maybe, just maybe, it's not a complete waste of time...

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