No bueno

Today there was a message waiting for me on MySpace from a guy that I don't know. This is not unusual, but his email was. Simply put it read:

"Aww, it's kind of sad when an average-looking girl is trying really hard to be a model. I don't think it's ever gonna happen for you, champ..."

I don't know this guy or anything about him, and after I got over the initial sting of an insult (or maybe what he intended to be just really harsh constructive criticism??) one question was nagging at me. I wonder why people feel that spreading negativity is productive and/or necessary? Insults never improve anyone's life or thinking. So what compels someone to think and voice hurtful things?

Lately I've heard a great deal about haters, and I just don't understand it. One girl I know won't shut up about how much she can't stand a certain actress and her dress at the Oscars, only for the reason that she feels she prettier than that actress. Another friend of mine has had to deal with rumors started about her that are filled with malice and dishonesty, while yet another friend of mine who models (and is quite successful) deals with hate mail on a daily basis. Even friends in the Bay Area who are plugged into the music scene have to deal with this seething abhor-ation.

Really folks??? Is your life that empty or lacking focus & direction that you want to inflict pain and negativity on people around you, and also on people you don't even know??? I understand if you're not a fan of someone's pictures, or music, or art form, but there's no need for anger and negativity.

Support what you love, don't tear down others for doing what they love just because it doesn't appeal to you. Isn't that what humanity is supposed to be doing anyway - doing what makes you happy as a person (so long as it doesn't harm others)?

I may not be a successful model, or even a great one, but who am I hurting by taking what some people might call mediocre pictures? Right now, I'm enjoying what I do and I'm happy with my life, and I'll walk my path because it's mine... no one else's.

2010 - the start of something amazing?

Wow - I can't believe my last post was in November! Where did the time go???

Basically December was a slow month for modeling, but there were some awesome events nonetheless.

For almost 2 weeks, I was the featured model on GuitarSpy.com - my first website feature!!
Myke shot me in a studio in Corona, and my lovely friend Crystal came down to do my makeup. Once I saw the final images, I was ecstatic! I think they all turned out fantastic, and I must admit I had a lot of fun shooting with Myke and his guitar. For some reason I think that I could do a great job of modeling with props (and part of me wants to see if I can pursue something with Coffin Case!!).

Also, I took a road trip to Venice Beach with my photographer Van Cleave and another SD model Mikayla Micheals, to shoot with Ray at West Bred clothing and more of his girls. The entire afternoon was a great experience, and we're hoping that Ray can use some of the images to print up posters, flyers, or even a calendar.



So far this month, I've got two pretty awesome gigs on the table. I don't want to give away too much information, since nothing has been signed and no money has changed hands, but hopefully I can de-brief you soon enough.

Tuesday I have an audition to be apart of Xtreme GoGo Los Angeles... now if I can only scrounge up the gas money to make the trip up to Orange... Thanks for checking in with me - hopefully I have some amazing news to share with you soon!

xo

Crazy Busy!

Wow - where to start?? This weekend is definitely a modeling weekend for me! I love staying busy with this, because it means I'm getting my name out there, and I'm constantly networking wherever I go. Plus, I really appreciate the experience and it's a trip to see how my modeling is improving, even though I've only really been pursuing it since May (and let's not forget that I took myself out of the loop for several weeks back in August...).

Here's a rundown of how my weekend is set up:

FRIDAY
I'll be working as a featured promo model at the party in Lake Elsinore. Doors are at 8.30pm, so get there early!

(new info added to flyer)


Saturday
I have a photoshoot in Beverly Hills at the same mansion that I shot for Kasanova Magazine back in Oct. This is a test shoot, where I'll be shot by multiple photographers which should really enhance by portfolio! I'll try to remember to take my own personal camera and get some "behind the scenes" pics for you!

Sunday
Headed down to Corona for a shoot with Myke for GuitarSpy.com. The wonderful Crystal (MissMUA) will be there to get me all dolled up. I'm excited that I'll be doing my first shoot for a website AND with a guitar, but I'm also stoked that Crystal will be there. She's amazing!



Sheesh! I'm tired already, but I love that things are picking up!! Now, you'll have to excuse me as I need to start packing for this weekend already. And I need to remember to bring a ton of my cards - don't want to be caught without them!!

xo

West Bred Clothing

Sunday I had a last minute shoot - and I mean last minute! My photographer and I set it up no more than 24 hrs before we started shooting. Ray at West Bred Clothing sent me some shirts, and since all my November weekends are already booked up, Troy & I decided to get the shoot done ASAP.

We went to Chicano Park because that place has tons of wall art and would make for some awesome backgrounds. I got to wear my kick-ass new Skull & Roses heels from missconstrued.com and we got some really great shots. Since we were outside, we did draw a bit of an audience. When we were doing the booty shorts pics, a truck with 2 guys drove by 3 times. It was border-line creepy...

Troy has an amazing turn-around; he got the images to me yesterday! You can see the rest of the images on my Facebook page or on West Bred's page. Support Ray at West Bred!! He's a great guy!

Here's my favorite pic from Sunday:

And speaking of how busy November is, here's a run down of this month: This weekend I'm headed to LA for a film festival. The composer for Dim Light invited me to the screening, and I'm pretty excited - this is my first film festival! Hope that I get some networking done and I think I'm going to have a great time.

Next weekend is crazy busy too! What are you doing next Friday? Come out and see me!

Friday, November 20th @ Club Underground in Lake Elsinore - ALL AGES - GET THERE EARLY!!


And Sunday 11/22 I'll be doing a shoot for GuitarSpy.com - Myke wants me to be a featured model. I'm also excited, not only for that shoot, but also because I'll get to see Crystal again (MissMUA). She's agreed to do my makeup that day.

That's it for now! You better believe I'll keep this thing updated with more news and more images as they come in. Thanks are in order to you, dear reader, for your support... or your boredom. Either way, I hope you keep checking in on me. :)

Kasanova After Dark

The Kasanova Halloween party on Friday was a great experience!! I was a real Kasanova Kitten, and got to pick out my own outfit, which was accented with body paint and cat ears. All the girls there were chill and so far from stuck up. That really makes a difference when you get to a gig and everyone there is lame and bitchy as opposed to laid back and nice.

Quite a few people showed up for this little shin-dig, and I was impressed with the fact that almost everyone who attended came in costume! I met a WWII Fighter Pilot, Jack in the Box, a Vam-pirate (a guy dresssed as Jack Sparrow, but with vampire teeth), a Geek, several Priests, Billy the Penguin, Cheech & Chong, and many many more! I was even invited to go to the Halloween party at the Playboy mansion the next day, but I ended up bowing out. I wasn't really sure if the invite was legit - could they really want little ol' me there?? seriously?? - and I had already promised several friends that I would be with them on the 31st. So, I'd like to think that I took the path of better karma, and if I'm supposed to visit Heff's one day, then one day I will.

Big props to the Madison sisters and Terence of Kasanova Magazine for asking me to help host this event, and for organizing the party! I think it's safe to say that everyone there had a great time, and all the girls looked amazing.

You might remember that in October I did a shoot for Kasanova up in Beverly Hills - maybe you'll see me as Kitten of the Month sometime next year. Who knows?

xo



Kasanova After Dark! (I'm in there at 1:50 - with the Vampirate)

Insomnia means an update

Well, since it's 2 o'clock in the morning, and I can't sleep, might as well be productive, eh? There are a few things that have happened since I last wrote, so I thought I'd update the internet on the goings-on of a part-time model.

On September 20th I went to a casting at a mansion in Studio City, and I was introduced to the cliche Hollywood world. This was a unique experience for me, and I don't regret going, but it made me grateful that I'm a girl with morals and self-respect, and also proud that I'm doing everything I can to provide for myself and not use my looks or my youth to get ANYTHING from men. It was a pretty cool opportunity to network, though - and I got to meet a fellow yogi by the end of the evening.

Most of the other girls there were stuck up, but there were two chicks who were nice, and two guys my age who were fun to talk to, Jay & Jacques. Everyone else at the party was an old(er) man, probably all very wealthy and very, um.... unconventional. I'll be polite, because I don't judge others - I just know that their way of life doesn't appeal to me in the slightest.

There were quite a few photographers there, and I hope that some awesome shots came out. I've only received a few so far, and unofficially at that, but here's one of my favorites:


I'm really hoping I get to see the rest of them. And soon!!!

A while ago, a start-up clothing company out of LA hit me up on MySpace and asked if I'd be interested in modeling for them. I checked out their site and liked what I saw, so why not? Maybe they'll do pretty well, and I'll be in on the ground level - or maybe I can help them sell more clothes just by being involved - or maybe it would just help add clothing pics to my portfolio. Either way, I'm now a model for West Bred Clothing, and the guy who did my motorcycle shoot, Troy Van Cleave, said he would take photos of me for the company. Right now, they're just asking their models to take typical MySpace pics of themselves in their clothes - like, take a pic of yourself in your mirror with your digital camera. Um.... no thanks.

When I met with Troy to discuss this, we started to brainstorm big time! Looks like sometime next month we're going to trek up to LA for a full blown shoot with Ray at West Bred Clothing and any of his models that he can get to show up. Troy and I also talked about the possibility of printing up some of the Harley pics he took of me and selling them. I've had a few friends ask if they could either get an autographed picture, or a poster of a picture, which was very cool and very supportive of them. I even told Troy about the uncertainty I'd been dealing with, and how I didn't know if I was good enough to even ASK to be paid for shoots. He made my day when he said "oh yeah, you could get paid easily." So, now I have a base rate! :) I'm just waiting on someone to ask me what it is. ha! ha!

My next excursion was October 1st. I took the day off from my day job to make the trip up to Corona to (FINALLY) shoot with my agency's photographer: Edwin (Evolve Photography). We shot at Esther's house, and I got to meet some great people. Crystal did my hair and make-up, and she is such an amazing MUA (http://www.modelmayhem.com/MissMUA), and Edwin is a phenomenal photographer. Esther's friend Monica showed up too and helped to coach my poses and facial expressions. The whole experience was a little intimidating - I was surrounded by professionals!! - but it was so exciting.

Here's an unedited shot from last Thursday:


I can't believe I'm really doing this...... pursuing modeling and actually getting somewhere, no matter how slow my progress. And I finally booked a PAID gig!! Friday Oct 30th I'll be working a party in downtown SD for Kasanova Magazine, and I'll get paid for it! FINALLY!!! :) :) :)

And lastly, my most recent adventure was a few days ago. Sunday I drove to Beverly Hills to do a photoshoot for Kasanova Magazine - I think I'm now a Kasanova Kitten. The shoot was at this ridiculously superfluous mansion (does anyone know who Micheal Scott is?? 'cos I don't and it was his house) - I mean this place had everything: a pool, 2 hot tubs, a steam room, a mineral bath, a 2 bd/2 bath pool house, a game room, a bowling alley, a basketball/tennis court, a SAND volleyball court, an aviary, a waterfall... shit was insane!!! And guess who I meet while I'm there? Edwin!! I come to find out that he shoots regularly for Kasanova Magazine, and I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw him there. Before that I was really nervous, but seeing him there made me feel more comfortable.

I'm not expecting to see those images anytime soon, but when I do (or rather, IF I do) I'll be sure to direct my small online audience to them.

So, for now, the only thing I've got coming up is a shoot for West Bred Clothing and I'll schedule that with Troy as soon as Ray sends me some threads. Then, it's the Kasanova Halloween party in downtown San Diego, but who knows what could happen between now and then?

Uncertainty

Well, no matter what your path in life, or what tasks you choose to accomplish, or what goals you set for yourself, I think it's safe to say that everyone goes thru a period of self-doubt and questioning. It's normal, and a natural part of life.

This industry is new to me - and extremely competitive! Over the past month, I've had a lot of doubts about myself and started to think that I'm wasting my time with this modeling thing. Looking at the girls who are really making it in the business made me realize that I'm not like them. I've got that "girl next door" look - and I'm proud of that - but it makes it more difficult to find modeling gigs because I'm not exotic, and I'm not tall, and I don't have gigantic boobs.

Also, I've got some morals and boundaries. Since I'm not willing to do nude photos or any naked concepts, that really narrows down the number of gigs that are available to me. Throw in a full-time job from Monday to Friday, and that limits my availability to even go to shoots or events. And one day, I saw another girl's modeling photos and they were 2 steps away from pornography... I was disgusted. Then I wondered if any of my photos could be interpreted in that way, which is something I do not want. I've really tried to maintain a classy look because I'm not a whore and I don't want to be considered one. But would the average person looking at my portfolio images think poorly of me? I really hope not - that's not a label that I want or deserve.

In addition to this, the agency I've signed with hasn't found me any work. I want to believe that it's because of my schedule or that I haven't shot with her photographer yet, but I couldn't help but notice that she's been promoting girls who only have candid photos in her Agency Album. This album has no pictures of me - which made me think my photos aren't good enough, or my modeling isn't good enough, and that I'm wasting my time with this hobby and this industry. Let's face facts - I haven't gotten paid for one single event or photoshoot I've done. Not one. I don't even know if I'm good enough to ask to be paid for my time... To top everything off, a guy that I really care for used my modeling as an excuse for him to back off. My confidence in this endeavor was already wavering, and this just made me want to give it up for good. If it came down to choosing between someone who means a great deal to me, and a hobby that's already got me questioning my commitment, then I'd choose that person in a heartbeat - but sadly, that was not the case at all.

With all these doubts, I quit looking for work. I turned down a magazine shoot and 2 photographers (none of which would have paid). I deleted my modeling page from facebook. What's the point, right? Even though I know that people don't blow up in any industry over night, I really don't see myself ever being able to really make a name for myself, or at the very least get paid for a gig... I was doubting myself and my intentions with this endeavor.

One thing about this industry: if you don't believe in yourself, you damn sure won't go far at all. And lately, I don't know if I believe in me... But at the same time, I do not want to look back on my life when I'm 70 and regret not exploring an avenue that presented itself to me.

At this point, I'm uncertain and doubtful. Modeling has never been a passion of mine, and at times it seems pointless to pursue it. But maybe, just maybe, it's not a complete waste of time...